


heart attack

by babyweis



Series: i do love you [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bakery, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Forbidden Love, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Porn with Feelings, i guess, one-sided!showki, or more like in that line between platonic and romantic, platonic kihyuk, the smut is really short though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-16 15:39:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16498313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babyweis/pseuds/babyweis
Summary: So Kihyun shouldn't, but here he is, his shoulder pressed against Hoseok's with the smallest blush heating up his cheeks. It's only a miracle no one seems to notice anything.-But what if you fall in love with someone else than your soulmate?





	heart attack

**Author's Note:**

> i've had this idea in my mind for half a year and now i wrote the whole thing in two days. it's also the longest oneshot i've ever written oh my god
> 
> i hope you enjoy!!!!!
> 
> (also, shoot out 4th win today and minhyuk's birthday tomorrow??? this is it, chief)

On Kihyun's very first day of school there are a girl and a boy in their class who end up being each other's soulmates. It obviously becomes a big topic among both pupils and teachers - it is, after all, quite uncommon for one to find their soulmate at such a young age.

Kihyun is jealous. Of course he is, nearly everyone on their class is jealous. But Kihyun thinks that out of all of them, Minhyuk and him are the most jealous about the whole situation.

Soulmate is one of the first words Kihyun learned when he was still a toddler. His parents found each other in middle school, and listening to them describing it - the feeling of both meeting the love of their life and finally seeing the world in a full bloom of colours instead of just plain grey - became Kihyun's favorite bedtime story as soon as he could understand what it all meant. Every new person he'd meet - his parents' friends, a teacher, a kid his age - he'd ask them if they've yet found their soulmate.

Minhyuk is the same.

Their favorite way of spending time together is grabbing an old photo album - from the living room's cabinet if they are in Kihyun's home, or from Minhyuk's parents' bedroom if Kihyun is visiting there - from the time their parents still were in school with funny clothes and hairstyles, giggling over the way Kihyun's parents are always staring at each other instead of the camera or how Minhyuk's parents always have their arms wrapped around each other.

It's wonderful. They talk about growing up and finding their own soulmates, but still staying friends so their children can also experience all of this, pointing at different things and asking them to describe the colors of them. One day Minhyuk suddenly screeches in the middle of them flipping through a photo album, slapping his hands together and exclaiming, "what if our kids will be soulmates?" Kihyun feels like he's bursting out of excitement, and he babbles about it to his parents later that evening.

It's the year they both turn twelve when Minhyuk's parents take a divorce.

Kihyun doesn't understand it. "But they are soulmates," he says softly when Minhyuk tells about it to him, crying against Kihyun's shoulder while digging his nails into his arms.

"I know," Minhyuk says, and that's the end of their conversation.

Kihyun talks about it to his parents the next day. They already know - of course they do, being close friends with Minhyuk's parents. Kihyun is spluttering, telling them that it just doesn't _make sense_ , and he's not sure if he's more shaken up with the divorce or the way Minhyuk cried in his arms last night.

"Sometimes that happens, Kihyun," his mother says, "they aren't happy with each other. It's better for everyone if they let each other go."

"But how can they not be happy with each other, if they are soulmates?"

"Maybe there was a mistake," Kihyun's father speaks up, gently patting his hair, "no one really knows, for sure. Kihyun, I'm sure you have a lot to think about too, but please look after Minhyuk. He's going through a lot right now."

A _mistake_. The word spins around Kihyun's head, making him feel dizzy as if he'd just ran for miles, and he barely manages to nod in response.

He does look after Minhyuk, though. Makes sure he doesn't skip class, buys snacks for him after school, asks him to sleep over at his house on weekends. Minhyuk appreciates it, obviously, but there are times when he denies his help, claiming that he's doing just fine. There are dark circles under his eyes, and he looks stressed, in a way no twelve-year-old should be.

Kihyun is scared for him. Sometimes, he's even scared _of_ him.

After one particularly rough week, he goes to the school curator and talks about it with her. She promises to talk with Minhyuk about it, and she does - and it doesn't turn out well. Minhyuk gets mad at Kihyun for getting involved and doesn't talk to him in two weeks. When they make up, Minhyuk ends up crying again and apologizing. Kihyun pats his back and tells him to take care of himself. Minhyuk promises he will.

He keeps the promise. Eventually, within months, it's almost like everything has returned to normal -

with the exception that now it's only Kihyun dreaming about meeting his soulmate and reading breathtaking descriptions of colours online. Minhyuk refuses to do that, his faith in destiny and soulmates wavering. Kihyun can't blame him, but he does wish it doesn't last. Whatever happened with Minhyuk's parents must have been a mistake, just like Kihyun's father said. Something uncommon. Kihyun will find his happiness with his soulmate, and so will Minhyuk.

There can't be any other way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
It's September. There's a new café just by the campus, and Kihyun finally agrees to go there with Minhyuk, getting tired with the constant whining and complaining.

And Minhyuk, despite being the one who so desperately wanted to go there, is late. _Typical_. Kihyun heaves back a sigh and decides to go inside on his own and order something already. He knows everything that's into Minhyuk's taste, anyway. The latter better pay him back later.

There's a couple sitting in the table closest to the door when he steps inside. Two young girls - they could not be more than fifteen, and they're giggling lightly, shy blushes spread on their cheeks, and even if Kihyun doesn't know either of them, he feels somehow _fond_. They are lucky, to have found each other so early.

He steps to the empty counter with a light smile on his face, scanning the café with his eyes while waiting for someone to come take his order. It's nice, he thinks. Looks cozy. Probably has pretty colours, as well.

"Good evening! I'm sorry to keep you waiting," a male voice greets from behind the counter, and Kihyun tears his gaze away from the paintings in the café's walls. He sees a flash of toned, dark shaded arms with the sleeves of a white button-up rolled up to his elbows, and then the world around him just _explodes_. Kihyun is left gasping for air at the sudden brightness, the different shades of beauty he hasn't even been able to dream of, grasping at the counter with both his hands as he tries to keep his balance, his eyes attempting to get used to the new world awakening before them.

He finally meets eyes with the man behind the counter. He looks nice, handsome, his eyes kind even when he's staring back at Kihyun in a similar state of shock.

"I..." he starts warily, "do you- do you..?"

The question is left in the air, but Kihyun knows what he means anyway.

"I see it," he whispers, keeping his voice down in the fear of breaking the spell around them.

The man looks relieved, and then he smiles. It lights up his eyes. The colour of his skin is beautiful, and overall, he looks really warm. Kihyun has all the reasons to be happy that he's going to spend the rest of his life with this man.

"I'm Hyunwoo."

There's a hand offered over the counter, and Kihyun takes it, trying not to look too disappointed at the fact that the touch doesn't really make him feel anything.

"I'm Kihyun," he breathes out, "It's nice to finally meet you."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
And Kihyun tries.

With his whole heart, he tries to love Hyunwoo - Hyunwoo and his kind eyes, warm smiles and even warmer hugs, his dumb jokes, his gentle voice, his rough but still soft hands. Hyunwoo gives his love to Kihyun unconditionally and without hiding anything, and Kihyun tries his best so he could return it.

But it turns out, his best isn't enough. Even though Hyunwoo is so loving and sweet and perfect, Kihyun never falls in love with him. He finally accepts it at the age of twenty-five, after knowing Hyunwoo for four full years.

He could say, yes, at some level he _does_ love Hyunwoo. But it's the same way he loves Minhyuk, the same way he loves all of his friends, and that's not how it's supposed to be because Hyunwoo is his _soulmate_ and Kihyun is supposed to want to hold his hands, kiss him and wake up every morning from his arms.

He pretends he wants that, right from the start. He goes out to dates with Hyunwoo, even asks him for a few himself, and later on, agrees in a heartbeat when Hyunwoo suggests they move in together. He speaks about Hyunwoo constantly, to his parents, to Minhyuk, makes sure to stick by his side whenever they are out in public so nobody doubts him. And, the most cruel of it all, Kihyun tells Hyunwoo he loves him.

It's not that Kihyun doesn't know he's doing wrong. He's very well aware that if Hyunwoo ever found out, he would be hurt. But, Kihyun supposes, tries to reason himself, that lying like this is the best for Hyunwoo. _If he never finds out, he won't get hurt_. It's just so much easier than admitting that Kihyun, despite everything, is not in love with his own soulmate. He would rather be hurt and confused all by himself instead of causing harm to others. After all, it's not Hyunwoo's fault they ended up like this. It's all Kihyun. What kind of a person doesn't love their soulmate?

A person like Kihyun, obviously.

Sometimes he wonders if he has done something bad in his life for fate to play around with him in this way. Or maybe he's just unable to love at all.

Just who could he love, if not the person he's destined to be with?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Over the years, Kihyun has built himself his own bakery. It's small, and not overly-popular, but he has his regulars along with some strangers visiting here and there, so he thinks it's good. He's good. He can allow himself to be proud.

He has two people working for him - Jooheon, a full-time worker who helps out in both the kitchen and the small café, and Changkyun, a part-timer who mostly spends his time behind the café's counter. He's a student, and shows up late sometimes. Kihyun nags at him about that, but not in a mean way. It's just him showing that he cares.

Jooheon suggests one day that they take in someone else too, to ease the stress on all three of them. Kihyun promises him that he will think about it.

He does, and puts up a job advertisement two weeks later. They've been having more customers lately, and he's certain he can afford paying the salary for one more worker. It's not like money is a problem for him, anyway. Hyunwoo got his degree last year and works as a doctor in a nearby hospital now.

There are more applicants than he expected. He flips through the resumes with both Jooheon and Changkyun, and they settle for inviting five of them into a brief interview.

The moment Hoseok waltzes in to Kihyun's cramped office in the back of the bakery, slamming his stupid, muscular leg at a chair by accident, Kihyun already knows that he's going to end up hiring him. And it's not only because of his impressive papers.

Kihyun believes it has something to do with Hoseok's bright, lively eyes. They kind of remind him of Jooheon and Minhyuk. And Hoseok is nice, polite, a little clumsy, laughs a lot, and Kihyun decides that that's exactly what his small bakery needs. Hoseok's laugh.

Hoseok seems a little shocked at the end of the interview as Kihyun asks him if he'll be able to start next week. He laughs, again, and then gives Kihyun a suspicious look,

"Are you actually hiring me?" he asks.

Kihyun rolls his eyes at him and grabs his papers, patting them against his desk. "Yes, Lee Hoseok, I am."

And Hoseok thanks him, gives him a handshake that lasts so long that it should be uncomfortable, but Kihyun doesn't think it's even possible for one to feel uncomfortable in Hoseok's presence. He watches wordlessly when Hoseok leaves with an elegant wave of his hand and a promise of seeing him again next week.

Kihyun usually hates it when people leave his office without shutting the door, but there he is, staring at Hoseok's retreating back through the open doorway, and he doesn't feel the least bit irritated. He tells himself Hoseok just is that kind of a person, that he leaves such an impression on everyone. Kihyun isn't alone with this and there is nothing different or special about the two of them.

That's what he tells himself.

If Hyunwoo notices the way Kihyun seems a little too excited while telling him about the new worker he hired later that day, he doesn't comment on it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"So I was thinking," Hoseok starts, sliding into the booth to sit next to Kihyun with two chicken sandwiches squeezed on his plate, "how about decorating this place a little? I mean, it's obviously nice, but some little things to fit the winter - like paper snowflakes in the walls, or something."

"Don't people get tired of seeing snow everywhere already?" Changkyun comments from where he's squished next to Jooheon. The latter rolls his eyes at him, bumping their elbows together.

"Not everyone hates winter, Changkyun. I think it's a great idea."

They have just closed for the day, early in the evening since it's Sunday. Kihyun asked everyone to stay behind for a short while to hold a little meeting to discuss some ideas for the business. For the business. That's all he had in mind, and he swears that it has _nothing_ to do with the fact that he doesn't really want to go home just yet. Home, to Hyunwoo. Home and Hyunwoo. The bakery and Jooheon and Changkyun and Hoseok. The bakery and Hoseok.

Kihyun shouldn't, but he prefers the latter.

"I think that's a great idea, too," Kihyun says, and drops his gaze down at his tea when Hoseok beams at him. "I was thinking of maybe framing some of my photos and hanging them up on the walls, as well. I think I have a few from last winter that would look nice."

"You photograph?" Hoseok asks, his voice rising in excitement, and Kihyun doesn't know what to think about that.

"Hell yeah he does," Jooheon answers for him, "he's really talented. You should see the photos."

"It's really nothing that special," Kihyun mumbles, lifting his cup up to his lips to take a sip. He ignores the way Jooheon and Changkyun scoff at him in sync. He also tries ignoring Hoseok cooing at him with a dumb expression on his face, but that proves to be a much more difficult task. He ends up elbowing the older man in the ribs. "Cut it off."

" _Ow_ ," Hoseok whines, squirming in his place, as if he was the one who's three sizes smaller out of the two of them. Kihyun tries to roll his eyes but ends up smiling in the middle of it.

It's strange, and not in any way _acceptable_ , the way Kihyun finds Hoseok so endearing. He doesn't want to think about it - about the fact that it could be the way he should be feeling about Hyunwoo - but he still does, gradually stumbling deeper inside his black hole of despair. This shouldn't be happening. Kihyun has his own soulmate, he has Hyunwoo, and he should not be sick enough to like someone else in this manner. Besides, Hoseok has found his soulmate, too. He never talks about them, but he talks about the colours - uses words like blue, yellow and lavender instead of different shades of white, grey and black.

So Kihyun shouldn't, but here he is, his shoulder pressed against Hoseok's with the smallest blush heating up his cheeks. It's only a miracle no one seems to notice anything.

He doesn't even know what he would do if they did. The first thought is to just run away and completely disappear.

An hour passes by, and Changkyun has to leave, muttering something about writing a long ass essay for Tuesday. Jooheon trails after him soon, taking a package of Kihyun's hand-made macarons with him, saying it's because he has friends coming over. Kihyun huffs and attempts throwing a towel at him, but misses.

"I guess we should be leaving, too," Hoseok says, staring at Kihyun while leaning against the counter. Kihyun stares back at him.

"Yeah," he says, "we should."

"Yeah," Hoseok repeats, but he doesn't move, lingering at the counter like he always lingers at the back of Kihyun's mind. He's still in their uniform, the black button-up paired with black pants, and it's simple and Kihyun has seen him like this so many times but yet, he somehow manages to look sensational.

Kihyun takes a step closer, and then leans against the counter next to him as well. His hands feel sweaty and he has to wipe them on his pants.

"Can you tell me about your soulmate?" he asks.

The look Hoseok gives him is one of pure surprise. Kihyun watches how his shoulders tense underneath the dark fabric of his shirt and waits. It takes fifty-six seconds. Kihyun counts each and every one of them.

"He's dead," is what Hoseok says, and it's so sudden and straight-forward but _painful_ and Kihyun's heart drops to his stomach. "We met in middle school. I didn't get to know him properly. I was fourteen when he got into a car accident and passed away."

"Oh," Kihyun says. He doesn't look at Hoseok, but lets their arms brush together and listens as the older inhales deeply. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."

"Don't," Hoseok tells him. Their hands brush together again, and this time they don't separate, Hoseok grabbing Kihyun by the wrist and then sliding his palm down until he can lace their fingers together. Kihyun's breath hitches in his throat. "It's okay. I don't think it would have worked out for us, anyway."

Kihyun finally looks at him. "What do you mean?"

Hoseok returns his gaze, but doesn't answer him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
"What do you think happens to people whose soulmates die when they are young?"

Hyunwoo's hand stops where it was tracing Kihyun's shoulder, drawing small patterns with his fingers. He shuffles around a little so he's looking at Kihyun instead of the TV. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," Kihyun starts, straightening his back and looking back at Hyunwoo, "When people have met their soulmate, but they die when they are very young. Or maybe they haven't even met yet, I don't know. Do they just live alone for the rest of their lives?"

The TV casts different colors on Hyunwoo's face in the otherwise dark room as he hums, gently brushing Kihyun's cheek with his fingers. "I don't know," he says, "I once heard they end up with other people who have lost their soulmates, as well. But I don't really know. Why?"

Kihyun shrugs, thoughtfully leaning against Hyunwoo's shoulder. "I was just thinking," he says.

Just thinking.

He can still feel the ghost of Hoseok's hand holding onto him, and he's _just thinking_.

Hyunwoo doesn't say anything afterwards. Instead, he presses his cheek on Kihyun's hair and rubs Kihyun's arm with his warm hand. He's always warm - Kihyun has learned that over the years. It's somehow comforting, especially now in early winter when it's constantly either snowing or raining outside, the days getting colder.

However, Kihyun can't seem to find comfort in that right now. Instead he almost feels like tearing up.

It's the guilt. He can't understand himself - he's been given a wonderful soulmate who loves him so much and yet he can't love him in return. _And yet he can't stop thinking about another man._

He curls against Hyunwoo's side, seeking for that comforting warmth all the while hating himself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Hoseok has been working in the bakery for three months when the two of them start texting each other regularly outside of work.

It starts with Hoseok sending some dumb joke Kihyun forgets minutes later, and then continues with him asking Kihyun to send him some of his photographs. Kihyun does that, and Hoseok replies with ten lines filled with words of pure excitement and awe. Eventually, it's Kihyun messaging Hoseok about every little thing that comes to his mind, like a documentary he saw on tv or a new song he heard on the radio, the stray cat he saw in the street while on his way to the store. Hoseok sends him other, just as useless and insignificant things, a new flavour of ramen he found in the grocery store and the time his building had an outage just when he was about to take a shower.

It goes on at work, as well, Kihyun describing the pictures he took of the sunset last night and Hoseok whining about how his brother just got the cutest puppy ever. It's a miracle they even get any work done at this point, and at some point Jooheon has to tell them to hurry their asses up with the "damned cupcakes". Kihyun doesn't think he has ever been quite as flustered he is at that moment, and he even fails to give the younger a snarky comment of _I'm still the boss in here, kid._

And Kihyun doesn't talk about it to anyone. Not even Minhyuk. He's too scared of someone finding out how intrigued he is with a man who isn't his soulmate.

Because it was one thing to accept that he's not in love with Hyunwoo - accepting that he just might have feelings for Hoseok is still completely out of question.

So Kihyun presses on, just like has been doing for the past four years, lying to everyone else and trying to lie to himself that everything is just perfectly _fine_.

Just perfectly fine, even when he dreams of Hoseok while he sleeps next to Hyunwoo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
("Tell me about your soulmate."

"What?"

"You have found them, right?"

"Yeah. I have. His name is Hyunwoo."

"What's he like?"

"Sweet. Handsome. Too kind for his own good."

"Why do you never talk about him?"

"I don't know."

"Aren't you happy with him?"

"Of course I am, Hoseok.")

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Kihyun releases a breath, sitting down onto the bed that has nearly all of his side of the wardrobe spread on it. He keeps his phone in between his ear and shoulder while attempting to attach his old leather watch on his wrist.

Hyunwoo picks up on the third ring.

_"Hey, love. What's up?"_

"Hey," Kihyun says, deciding to give up on the watch for now, "I promised Minhyuk I'd go out with him tonight. Is that okay with you?"

 _"Of course it is,"_ Hyunwoo answers. Kihyun can hear the smile in his voice. _"Besides, I'm probably staying late for work tonight. Wouldn't want you to feel lonely while I'm gone."_

"Yeah?" Kihyun gets up from the bed. "Don't overwork yourself, though."

_"I know. I won't."_

"Good. I need to go now," Kihyun hesitates for a moment, "I love you."

_"I love you too, baby. Have a fun night."_

"I will," Kihyun promises, and then ends the call. He tosses his phone onto the bed and grabs the watch again, struggling with it for a good two minutes until it's finally settled. Such an impractical thing. At least it does fit perfectly with his outfit.

He picks up his clothes and puts them back into the wardrobe, neatly arranging each and every one, organizing some of Hyunwoo's clothes in the process as well. 

His phone is muted, but he can see the screen light up on the bed as he finally shuts the wardrobe's door. He skids over to the bed and grabs his phone, heading out of the bedroom as he checks his messages.

  
**_Hoseok_**

_be at the club in ten_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kihyun has always preferred quiet, reserved bars with some live music playing in the background. The club they are in is crowded with people, has neon lights flashing everywhere and a DJ in a booth in the other end of the huge dancefloor. And, for some reason, he's not even complaining.

They've found themselves a nice corner, one that's far enough from the loud, cramped dancefloor but also close enough to the bar so it's easy to order more drinks. Hoseok has his head in his hands as he laughs at a stupid story Kihyun just told him with a slurred tongue.

"I never realized you're this funny," Hoseok says as he finally lifts his head up, "maybe it's the alcohol, though."

"We are not even drunk," Kihyun protests, like he always does when he is drunk. "I'm funny all the time."

"Whatever you say," Hoseok says, his eyes twinkling as he leans closer to him over the table, almost knocking an empty glass over in the process. Kihyun giggles.

" _You_ might be drunk."

"I've had a fewer drinks than you have!" Hoseok protests, leaning over even more to give a half-assed slap at Kihyun's chest. Kihyun pretends to look offended, gaping at him while crossing his arms on his chest.

"No need to be violent," he slurs.

"I'm sorry," Hoseok tells him, flexing the muscles on his arms with the dumbest expression on his face. Kihyun almost chokes on his own spit as he laughs, reaching over to grab his drink and down the rest of it.

"Are you not going to stop?" Hoseok asks, and Kihyun grins at him.

"I haven't gone drinking in a while," he says, putting his glass down onto the table. "Let me have my fun."

"Of course," Hoseok says, downing the rest of his drink as well before getting up from his seat. Kihyun expects him to lose his balance, even just a little, but of course, being the most graceful and perfect man walking on the face of Earth, he doesn't.

"Where are you going?" Kihyun questions. Hoseok flashes him a grin.

" _We_ ," he emphasizes, "are going out there to dance."

" _What_ ," Kihyun exclaims, opposing the idea right from the start because he does _not_ dance, but Hoseok gives him no other option, standing there and smiling like that. How _unfair_.

"Come with me, it'll be fun," Hoseok promises.

And Kihyun goes.

They stumble from the small spaces in between all the other people, Hoseok leading the way and Kihyun blindly following him. When they are somewhere that Kihyun assumes is close to the middle of the floor, Hoseok turns around to face him.

"Have you ever danced?" Hoseok asks, raising his voice over the music, and Kihyun shakes his head.

"Not really," he replies. At the same time there's someone brushing past him, and normally it wouldn't really affect him one bit, but yes, maybe he is a little tipsy and so he stumbles forwards due to the little push, ending up crashing into Hoseok.

Hoseok grabs him by his elbows, helping him steady his posture. Their eyes lock, and Kihyun suddenly feels very warm - and he knows for a fact it's not because of the alcohol or the crowded room. They stare at each other, the neon lights of the dancefloor creating beautiful illustrations on Hoseok's face. Kihyun wants to take pictures of him.

"Is this too close?" Hoseok asks.

Kihyun ponders for a moment - the feeling of their chests pressing against each other, Hoseok's warm hands holding his arms, Hoseok's lips barely an inch away from his - "No," he says, "it's not."

Hoseok smiles at that. He wraps one arm around Kihyun's waist and says it's just to make sure the two of them don't get separated in the crowded room. Kihyun doesn't protest.

He wonders if they look like soulmates to the people dancing around them, and it brings a warm feeling to his chest. It would be nice to have Hoseok as his soulmate.

"Come on," Hoseok tells him, tilting his head with flushed cheeks and a stunning smile, "we came here to dance, didn't we?"

"We did," Kihyun breathes out, and lets Hoseok's body guide him in between strangers under the flashing lights.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Kihyun wakes up in his bed - his and Hyunwoo's bed, with his head throbbing and feeling like he's going to be sick at any second.

He finds Hyunwoo's hoodie on the floor and drapes it over his bare body before stumbling his way down the hall and into the bathroom, unceremoniously hunching over the toilet and throwing up so violently he nearly blacks out.

Oh, yeah, this was why he rarely goes drinking these days.

After he's sure he's properly emptied his stomach, he gets up from the floor with shaky legs and attempts washing up. While brushing his teeth, he squints at his own image in the mirror - he looks terrible. He's pale and there are dark circles under his eyes, his lips are chapped and his hair sticking out to every known direction. In other words, he looks like a dead person. Hangover really is his worst enemy.

As he stands there, trying to get used to the blinding lights of the bathroom while cleansing his mouth of the disgusting taste of vomit, he starts wondering how exactly he even got home. He can only recall tiny glimpses of last night after something like his sixth drink or so - however, he's almost certain that he was in a taxi at some point of the night.

Oh, god, he was in a taxi with Hoseok. He remembers that. He remembers having his hands wrapped around Hoseok's arm while rambling about something irrevelant, and then he remembers -

He remembers getting out of the cab, and then Hoseok grabbing his arm and pressing a kiss to his knuckles before saying goodbye.

Oh, god.

Kihyun leans over the sink and spits the toothpaste out of his mouth. _Oh, god_ , he thinks again. _Who_ does that? They aren't living in the eighteenth century Europe and they certainly aren't close enough to just go around kissing each other's hands as a _joke_.

Hoseok was probably just drunk and wasn't really thinking what he was doing. That's what drunk people do. They do strange things on a whim. Kihyun doesn't need to freak out. It wasn't a big thing. It wasn't even a kiss on the cheek or anything. It's not wrong. It's not _cheating_.

He shoves his toothbrush inside the cabinet and takes two painkillers in turn. _It's not cheating._

"Kihyun?"

He swirls around so fast he spills the bottle of painkillers onto the floor, cursing loudly as he goes to pick them up without sparing a look at Hyunwoo. "Fucking hell, I- what is it?"

"Good morning to you too," Hyunwoo snorts. He steps inside the bathroom and crouches down to help Kihyun collect the pills back into the bottle.

"Sorry," Kihyun mumbles, glancing up at him, "I didn't mean to snap. I'm just hangover."

Hyunwoo hums, taking the refilled bottle from Kihyun's hands before getting up from the floor. Kihyun stands up as well, watching as Hyunwoo puts the bottle back inside the cabinet. Their eyes meet through the mirror, and then Hyunwoo says,

"Minhyuk called me last night."

Kihyun freezes.

"He was asking for you," Hyunwoo continues, steady and calm as he turns around to face Kihyun, "and I don't know, I thought it was pretty funny because I'm certain you told me you were going to go out with him."

Kihyun inhales deeply. "Hyunwoo-"

"I'm not making any assumptions," Hyunwoo interrupts him. "I'm just wondering why you felt the need to lie to me like that."

 _Lying is literally all I've ever done to you_ , Kihyun thinks bitterly, but doesn't say it out loud, because he's hopeless and a coward. "I..."

Hyunwoo looks at him, crossing his arms while leaning his back against the sink.

"I was out with another friend," Kihyun ends up saying.

"Why didn't you just tell that to me, then?" Hyunwoo asks.

"Well, because-" Kihyun inhales sharply. His head is still pounding and he just wants to have a cup of coffee and drown himself under the covers for the rest of the day, but he can do nothing about that because he's the only one who brought himself into this situation. "I don't know, Hyunwoo. You don't even know him, really, and I was in a hurry when I called you, and I just didn't think it really matters."

Hyunwoo stares at him, for a long, depressing moment, and then he sighs and shrugs his shoulders. "Fine."

Kihyun's stomach drops. _Fine?_

"Just know that I was worried about you," Hyunwoo adds, straightening his back and slowly making his way to the bathroom's door. "You didn't answer my calls and showed up dead drunk at four in the morning."

Kihyun's head spins. He follows Hyunwoo out of the bathroom and into the hall, watches him grab his car keys. He's not sure what to say. Of course, he should apologize, but in the end, what is it going to change?

"Where are you going?" he asks, his voice meek and scared as Hyunwoo starts putting on his shoes.

"To the store," Hyunwoo says and kneels down to tie his shoelaces. He glances up at Kihyun, his expression turning softer as he does so, and Kihyun feels even more horrible. "We're running out of milk."

"Oh," Kihyun says. He watches as Hyunwoo gets up again and grabs his jacket, pushing the door open.

"Right," he says, stopping there in the doorway and looking at Kihyun over his shoulder, "I suggest you call Minhyuk back. He seemed really distressed and wouldn't tell me what it was."

"I'll do that," Kihyun promises. He contemplates telling Hyunwoo he's sorry anyway, but Hyunwoo is already out of the door before he even gets to open his mouth.

He lets out a heavy sigh and slowly returns to the bedroom, getting rid of Hyunwoo's hoodie he was still wearing and dressing into his own clothes instead. He puts the hoodie on a hanger and inside the wardrobe, and then looks for his phone. It's in his jeans' pocket on the floor.

There are seven missed calls, three from Hyunwoo and four from Minhyuk. He grimaces and checks all of the unread messages as well, seven of them being from Minhyuk.

 _9.05 pm_  
_are you home?_

 _9.09 pm_  
_where are you not picking up your phone_

 _9.15 pm_  
_kihyun????? seriously can you pick up_

 _9.26 pm_  
_i called hyunwoo he said you're out????_

 _9.31 pm_  
_cant you just please look at your phone i really need to talk_

 _9.37 pm_  
_kihyun im serious i dont know what to do_

 _10.00 pm_  
_ill call you once more please just fucking answer_

Kihyun stares down at his phone screen, trying to swallow his guilt as he goes to dial Minhyuk's number. _Of course_ this had to happen. As if he hadn't been enough of an asshole to his soulmate, the one time his best friend actually needs him he's not there for him.

He lifts his phone up to his ear and clicks off the lights to help his headache, sitting down to his bed as he waits. _Fuck_ , he hopes everything is okay. What if someone got into hospital? Minhyuk's mother? Or maybe one of their friends? What if-

Minhyuk picks up on the second ring, as if he'd been waiting for the call. _Maybe he was_. Kihyun ignores the sting in his chest as he breathes out, "I'm sorry, I just saw your texts. Are you okay?"

 _"I'm..."_ Minhyuk's voice is strained. _"No, I don't think I am, Kihyun."_

Kihyun runs a hand through his hair and gets up from the bed. "I'm sorry," he repeats, "what happened? Where are you?"

 _"It's not your fault,"_ Minhyuk says softly. _"I'm home. I just- is it okay if I come over?"_

"Of course," Kihyun says quickly, leaving the bedroom and squinting at the bright light of the hallway. "You can come. I'll be right here."

 _"Thank you,"_ Minhyuk says. The line goes silent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Minhyuk's skin is pale and his eyes red when Kihyun opens the door to let him inside. He jumps into Kihyun's arms before even taking off his jacket or shoes, hands trembling as he holds onto him and sobs against his shoulder.

"I met my soulmate," he breathes out, " _fuck_ , Kihyun, I met him."

Kihyun holds him there as he cries.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Kihyun starts drawing away from Hoseok.

They've texted each other here and then, casually chatting while working, but Kihyun has been wary - he's fully aware that with every word, every gaze, every tiny touch, the more intrigued he gets, and he can't do that. It's not good, it's not _normal_ , and it definitely isn't fair for Hyunwoo.

And then there are Minhyuk and his soulmate.

Kihyun knew that Minhyuk was waiting for the day he'd meet his other half with nothing but pure _terror_ ever since his parents got divorced, convinced that because they weren't happy together, Minhyuk won't have a happy ending with his soulmate either.

And Kihyun understands him. How could he not, thinking of his own situation?

However, he believes Minhyuk should give it a change. The fact that he told Kihyun he had ran away when the two of them met just made Kihyun feel terrible for the poor man.

"He hasn't done anything to you," Kihyun told him, "just look for him and at least apologize. He probably feels awful."

And it took a week of convincing, but in the end, Minhyuk did go look for him, which appeared to be easy since the man worked as a DJ in a popular club downtown.

 _"We exchanged numbers,"_ Minhyuk explained over the phone later that night, _"I- it's weird. I don't want to like him that way, Kihyun, but he makes me feel- he makes me feel so_ strange."

Kihyun pretended not to feel envious. "What's his name?" he asked.

There was a pause, and when Minhyuk answered, Kihyun could hear a smile in his voice. _"Hyungwon,"_ he said, _"Chae Hyungwon."_

So, in the end, maybe it's going to be okay for the two of them. Kihyun hopes it will. Minhyuk deserves that.

He thinks it's kind of ironic, though. How Kihyun was always so excited and believed in the strength of soulmates more than anything, but he never fell in love with his own. How Minhyuk, who despised the idea of finding his soulmate for years, seems to actually fall for his own once he met him.

To Kihyun, it's just more proof that there is something wrong with him.

Maybe it wouldn't even be half that bad if Hyunwoo felt the same way, but he didn't. He loves Kihyun, there is no way around it, and so Kihyun has to play along to keep him from getting hurt.

He's just not sure how long he can play along anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
"Kihyun?"

Kihyun snaps his head up, his elbows still resting against his desk as he looks at the door. Hoseok is standing on the doorway, already changed out of his uniform, wearing a jacket with a scarf lazily draped on his neck.

"Aren't you going home?" the man asks softly, leaning against the doorframe. Kihyun blinks at him and glances at the watch on the wall - it's already twenty minutes past nine.

"Oh," he breathes out, running his hand through his hair while leaning back on his chair, "yeah. You go first, I'll stay behind to lock things up."

Hoseok raises an eyebrow, crossing his arms across his chest without moving an inch. There's a determined look on his face, and Kihyun thinks he also looks kind of worried. "I'm not leaving until you are, too."

Kihyun doesn't protest. He never does, when it comes to Hoseok. He's weak like that. Still he does ask, "Why?"

"To make sure you're not overworking yourself," Hoseok says, shrugging his shoulders, "and because I miss you."

"You-" Kihyun inhales sharply, almost choking on his own tongue. He gives Hoseok a look, trying his best to look unimpressed even though his heart is beating wildly and he's positive his cheeks are burning up. "What are you saying? We see each other, like, every day," he rambles, getting up from his chair and starting to clumsily organize the papers on his desk.

"I know, but it's just..." Hoseok sighs, warily taking a few steps inside Kihyun's small office. Kihyun stops with his papers as quickly as he started and looks up at him, raising an eyebrow.

"Spit it out," he says.

"I feel like you've been avoiding me," Hoseok says, and then drops his gaze down onto the floor, digging at the parquete with the tip of his shoe, "or something. I mean, you haven't really talked to me after- the time we went clubbing, and I... I'm sorry if I did something wrong, or made you feel uncomfortable, or anything."

Kihyun falls speechless. He stares at Hoseok, the way his black fringe falls in front of his eyes as he tilts his head forwards, how he looks so small standing there with his strong arms and wide shoulders and Kihyun realizes that he never once thought he'd be causing harm to Hoseok. He was too caught up in worrying about how Hyunwoo is feeling, how Minhyuk is feeling, how he himself is feeling, that he never once thought he'd be hurting Hoseok too.

He never once even thought he could be important enough for Hoseok to hurt the man in any way.

"I'm sorry," he says, stepping closer to Hoseok from behind his desk, "you did nothing wrong, please don't think that."

Hoseok looks up at him, blinking, "but-"

"You didn't," Kihyun repeats firmly, and Hoseok shuts his mouth, shoving his hands inside his jacket's pockets. "It's just- I've been stressed," he tries explaining, "it's all me. You didn't do anything. I'm sorry."

"You already apologized," Hoseok says, the corner of his lips curling up, and Kihyun doesn't think he has ever been this glad to see someone's smile. "I accept it, anyway. I'm sorry you feel stressed."

"Don't apologize for that," Kihyun huffs with a roll of his eyes. He steps forward again, and then stops, looking at Hoseok warily, feeling a little awkward for the first time ever in his presence. He's not exactly sure what he was going to do, and so he just stands there, the tips of his shoes almost touching Hoseok's, and it all just feels _strange_.

He thinks back to Minhyuk's words a few nights ago - _"I don't want to like him that way, Kihyun, but he makes me feel- he makes me feel so_ strange."

He doesn't get to decide what to think about that because suddenly Hoseok is holding onto him, pulling him forwards until the two of them crash into each other, their chests pressed together. Hoseok's hands are warm as they rest on Kihyun's lower back, at a spot where only Hyunwoo has been allowed to touch, but Kihyun is a mess and so he's not complaining.

He grabs at Hoseok's jacket and presses his cheek against the older man's shoulder, trying to steady his breathing as Hoseok holds him, intimate and close and _wrong_.

"Want to go for a walk with me?" Hoseok asks, and Kihyun, weak, _weak Kihyun_ , says,

"Of course."

They pull apart from each other, and Hoseok flashes Kihyun the most blinding smile he has ever seen. "Great," he breathes out, "that's great."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
It's Friday, so the streets are busy, filled with people. They walk with their arms pressed together, trying to avoid running into others in the narrow street. In the end, Hoseok suggests they go to the park, and Kihyun agrees.

The park is nearly empty, a lone woman walking her dog somewhere in the distance, but they still stay pressed to each other's sides. Kihyun tells his erratic mind that it's just because it's cold outside and they're trying to keep warm.

"Are you happy with your soulmate?" Hoseok asks.

They stop walking.

Hoseok has asked that before, Kihyun remembers. He remembers telling him (lying to him) with confidence that _yes, of course he is._ He opens his mouth to do that again, but then he makes the mistake of looking Hoseok in the eyes.

It feels like the world around them crumbles, and Kihyun wonders, for a brief moment, if they, the two of them, Kihyun and Hoseok, are together in this mess, and it's not just Kihyun all alone with his twisted feelings.

"I don't know," he says.

"Has he hurt you?"

"No, Hoseok. That's not-"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I promise."

Hoseok smiles a little. He lifts up his hand, and for a moment Kihyun thinks he's going to touch him, but instead he brings it to his own hair, ruffling it. "Good," he says, adding, "I would have taught him a lesson if he had."

"That's not needed," Kihyun says, his lips curling into a smile as well, and he kind of forgets about what they even are talking about.

Until Hoseok speaks again.

"Then what is it, Kihyun?" he asks. His voice is gentle, perhaps the softest Kihyun has ever heard him, and his heart would flutter if it wasn't for the topic of the discussion. Instead, his chest aches. "Why- why don't you know?"

Kihyun shrugs. He doesn't know what to say. This is the most he has ever told anyone about his feelings anyway, even if it's still not the truth. He _does_ know. He does know he's not happy with his soulmate. And he does know why.

He's just still not ready to say it out loud.

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Because I care about you," Hoseok responds, "because I want you to be happy."

Kihyun inhales deeply, and then looks at Hoseok again, offering him his best smile, but it feels forced and he's sure Hoseok notices.

"It's nothing, really," he says, "I'm just stressed, Hoseok."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Kihyun hates being home. He hates it. Whether he's alone or not, he hates it.

He frequently runs away to visits his parents, or spends too many hours in the bakery doing nothing, calls old friends to meet them or barges into Minhyuk's apartment to avoid being there.

Hyunwoo is working the night shift again, and it's midnight, and Kihyun doesn't think it's a good idea to show up at his parents' or Minhyuk's door at his hour.

Showing up at Hoseok's door is even a worse idea, the _worst_ , but somehow he ends up there, anyway. He regrets it right after he has rang the doorbell, and hopes that Hoseok isn't home.

He is, and he invites Kihyun inside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Look at me," Hoseok whispers, and Kihyun does.

Their eyes meet under the room's dimmed lights, and Kihyun feels weirdly, stupidly exposed, only because they are actually looking at each other, even with their clothes gone somewhere on the bedroom floor and Hoseok buried inside of him.

They say eyes are the window to one's soul. Kihyun wonders if he can properly see inside of Hoseok's soul, or if he could see better if they were soulmates. He doesn't think he has ever been able to see into Hyunwoo's soul, and Hyunwoo definitely doesn't see in his. Kihyun has made sure no one has been able to see into his soul for long, many years.

He hopes Hoseok can see all of him.

Hoseok smiles at him, and Kihyun believes he can.

They fall back to the steady rhythm of earlier, Hoseok rocking Kihyun against his mattress, breaking their eye contact to press an open-mouthed kiss on Kihyun's shoulder. Kihyun tangles his fingers in Hoseok's black hair and tilts his head back, choking back a sob.

He's feeling too much.

"You mean so much to me," Hoseok whispers against his skin, his breath ghosting against his neck. " _So much,_ Kihyun. I want you to know that."

Kihyun runs his hand down to the back of his neck and makes Hoseok look at him again, their noses brushing in the process. "I believe you," he whispers. They kiss, several, hasty and brief pecks, and Kihyun feels lightheaded. "You-" he breathes out, Hoseok's lips still brushing his, "you too, Hoseok. To me."

He can _feel_ Hoseok smiling, and he thinks it's the most beautiful thing he has ever experienced.

Fate must have made a mistake, with them. Hoseok should have been Kihyun's soulmate, and Kihyun should have been Hoseok's. That's how it should have been. There can't be any other explanation.

They reach their climax at the same time, Hoseok groaning with his face buried in Kihyun's neck, and Kihyun's toes curling as he whimpers, seeing stars. Stars. Destiny. Soulmates. Hoseok and him-

Hoseok and him are not soulmates, no matter how much he wishes, how much he blames it on a stupid mistake made by Fate, no matter how tight he holds onto Hoseok as they come down from their high.

_What has he done?_

_What have they done?_

Hoseok is breathing softly against the side of his neck, and Kihyun's head spins. It's wrong, it's wrong, they are wrong, _they_ -

But Hoseok makes him feel so _wonderful_ , pulls him up and out of his misery, holds his hand in a way no one else has before, and Kihyun thinks he might love him. Thinks. Might. What does Kihyun even know about love? There he is, the man who is unable of falling in love with his own soulmate, holding tight onto someone else and thinking he could be in love with him.

Hoseok pulls out of him, rolls over to his back next to Kihyun, and Kihyun curls up against his side, not wanting to let go. He thinks he will break if he does. He'll only have to properly face the reality once he lets go of Hoseok. Hoseok is his safehaven. Hoseok, beautiful, beautiful Hoseok-

Kihyun doubts he would've ever been able to stop himself from falling for him, anyway.

"Don't let go of me," he whispers against Hoseok's skin.

"I won't," Hoseok promises him, "I never will."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
But of course, the morning comes, Kihyun has to get up and go home, and Hoseok has to let go of him anyway.

They don't talk about things. Hoseok presses a kiss on his temple on the doorway and only shuts the door once Kihyun has stepped inside of the elevator, their eyes meeting once more. Hoseok smiles at him, and the elevator doors slide shut, and Kihyun decides, _today_.

Today, he will stop lying.

To himself. To his parents. To Minhyuk. To his friends. To Hoseok. To Hyunwoo.

Today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Hyunwoo is sitting in the kitchen when Kihyun comes home. He has his glasses on, a cup of coffee in his hand, and he's staring out of the window. He doesn't look at Kihyun, not until the latter sits down at the table across him.

It's eleven in the morning and usually he's still sleeping around this time after getting off the night shift. He looks like he hasn't slept at all.

"Hi," Kihyun says.

"Hi," Hyunwoo replies.

It's warm in the kitchen. Kihyun's cheek are still flushed after walking from the bus stop to their apartment, his fingers cold for not wearing gloves. The dishwasher is open, empty. There's a picture drawn by Hyunwoo's niece on the fridge door and several cookbooks piled on the counter, most of them gifts from Hyunwoo's mother to Kihyun. She always bought one for him for Christmas, knitted a scarf for Hyunwoo every year.

Hyunwoo's coffee mug has a bear on it, and it's a gift from Kihyun. The t-shirt he's wearing is a gift from Kihyun, as well.

Their eyes meet. Kihyun can't tell what Hyunwoo is thinking.

He takes a deep breath and says, "I've been lying to you."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Ever since the day we met, I've been lying to you. I didn't do it to hurt you. I didn't mean it to last. I thought my mind was just slow, and that it's okay to be more in awe by the colours than you. You're the perfect soulmate, the perfect person, anyway. There was no reason for me not to fall in love with you. I don't want you to think it's your fault, or that there's something wrong with you. I'm the one who's in the wrong. I'm sorry I'm a coward who's been holding you back from finding the actual happiness you deserve. I'm sorry I couldn't be the perfect soulmate for you, even though you were more than that for me. I'm sorry for being like this. You deserve better. It's okay if you hate me. I hope you do, for all the years you loved me and got nothing in return. Please don't cry because of me. I'm not worth that. And please don't hold back if you find yourself falling for someone else. You can love someone else than your soulmate. That's okay._

_That's okay._

_I wish I had loved you._

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Kihyun leaves the letter in the hall and leaves the apartment one last time, a duffel bag thrown over his shoulder.

He doesn't cry. Hyunwoo didn't cry either, yesterday. He was gone this morning when Kihyun woke up from the couch, but he had his phone and wallet in the apartment, so Kihyun knows he will return.

He calls Minhyuk on the walk to the bus stop. Asks if he can stay a few nights. Minhyuk says he can, and only then asks him what happened. Kihyun promises he will tell him later. He texts Jooheon to take over the bakery for the day.

He waits for his bus alone, the air foggy as he breathes out, the tip of his nose cold. He shoves his hands in his pockets and turns around to look back at their apartment's window.

The lights are on. Kihyun switched them off when he left.

The bus arrives, and Kihyun tears his gaze away, hopping inside. He takes a seat in the back and stares out of the window for the whole ride.

They pass by the stop closest to Hoseok's home, and for a second, Kihyun thinks about getting off. He doesn't.

He'll have plenty of time for that, anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are always appreciated!! <3
> 
> (this series will be three parts, the next one will focus on hyunghyuk and the last one on hyunwoo's side of the story.)


End file.
